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06 February 2009 @ 07:39 am
#68 · heartbroken and delusional  
I'm crying my heart out...

How is it my mood is going down more and more everyday?

When you think you're starting to be happy again, a bigger bomb falls over your heart's rubble... now i knpw, it happens everytime.

Yes, i've been sad, since i've got back from my vacation... my heart is broken.
As always, the guy i like, is not interested a little in me. He gave me wings... yeah, then after a few days, he blowed them away, hurting my heart... and my pride.. overall.

Yesterday, i thought everything was going to be alright, i just cried in the morning, a little bit, because the memory of his childish smile makes me sad... and his tickles... and becaus i was reading our chat logs, one of the many things that confirm what happened was real and not a crazy fantasy i have in my mind.
After that, my day was ok. My day was pretty, shiny.

I talked to beautiful people, who gave me a happiness boost. I laughed sincerely after days of despair...
My heart was healing.

But 2 hours ago... the bigger bomb exploded, breaking my heart in pieces again.
Everyone knows mom and dad haven't been in good terms for months, they're going to divorce.
That has never affected me at all... i'm pro divorce if the things at home are being unsustainable.
I'm even looking for a new place for me and mom, we were supposed to move out this month... but i went to the beach and had to postpone our plans.

And also, everyone knows... i can't stand my father like... usually.
We're always fighting...

Mom told me, she wouldn't go back with mi dad ever... even if someone pays the biggest amount of money for her to come back together. Because she had a strong reason and couldn't tell anybody.

I've been trying to persuade her to tell me what the reason is, with no success at all.

Then, today... they got up for going to work.
And dad asked mom for money because he hadn't got any.. for the bus and metro taxes.
Mom refused... and they started fighting.

She got really angry, and started insulting my dad... then the truth came out. The thing mom has been hiding for like 3 weeks...
I can't tell you... but it's unforgivable... and it's not even infidelity... ._.

What am i supposed to do? HE DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE.
TERRIBLE!!
YOUR DAD IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR ROLE MODEL!!! AND WE'VE LIVED BLIND... FOR 20 YEARS.
We aren't that close... yeah... but i love him... he's my dad.... and he hadn't the right to do what he did. No one does.

I waited until mom and dad walked out of the house... grabbed my laptop and locked myself up at dad's bedroom. I've been crying all this time. Wondering... would these news affect me a lil bit less... if i had... HIM... right by my side? would it feel better if i could cry my heart out like i'm doing right now on his shoulder?

And it hurts more, if i try to imagine what my dad did plus the baby smile of him...
I can't help it.

I'm BEING EMO! SO WHAT.
i have the right too.


don't like? then.. delete.



And, I've had a happy life after all... mom almost died... 9 years ago.... and i've been happy!
why do i feel so miserable right now?

I'm.. supposed to be happy.

And yes, my phone line has been suspended because dad didn't pay... so i have to write all this... just because i can't call my best friend or anyone and tell them what's happening...
 
 
 
Tam the squishable kittentamgerine on February 6th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
My Dad did something unforgivable to my Mum, and I found out about it years later. It shocked me to my very core, and it took a veeeeery long time for me to forgive him. But, forgive him I did. It is up to you to decide whether or not to forgive him for what he's done, that is entirely your choice. Either way, it's going to be a difficult process while you deal with what he's done - and if you need to talk to someone, definitely do it - even a counsellor who you can entrust with this sort of stuff :)

Gah, rambling, it's 5 am but I hope that helps a bit - to know that someone else has been through similar shit ... hugs.
Nataliadongbang_iyagi on February 6th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
thanks deer... yep.. it calms me a lil bit, to know i'm not alone in the world.
i'll try, to forgive.... he's my father afterall.

*hugs back*
Verito: Celverito_s on February 6th, 2009 06:29 pm (UTC)
=S!!
Pucha!!
*hugs*!!
No tengo nada productivo que decir, y encuentro desubicado preguntar que hizo tu papá
Te quiero Nati <33!!
Cuídate
Besos y Abrazos
Nataliadongbang_iyagi on February 6th, 2009 07:59 pm (UTC)
gracias... tu no productividad siempre me sube el animo.
Andy...=).andytaii on February 11th, 2009 04:15 am (UTC)
Late I know but I was looking at my flist just now. And I can say that I understand everything you are going through, My parents are not divorce but you don't know how much I wish they were. Wait. Tu hablas español.
Bueno da lo mismo, te entiendo, creeme que a mi Papá lo quiero pero.......su forma de tratar a mis hermanos mayores y algunas veces a mi Mama cuando pelean es algo que va mas alla de mi, el conmigo no se mete porque soy su ~favorita y la menor~ su "conchito" yo soy la que me meto con el y le he pedido literalmente que se vaya de la casa.........pero al final es un circulo vicioso y se que voy a estar yo afuera antes que el.

Lo que haya hecho tu Padre.....de algun otro modo encontraras la forma de perdonarlo. Llevo 21 años siempre perdonando.

Cuidate mucho =) abrazos!